


Why

by comeonlight



Category: Final Fantasy Type-0
Genre: Alcohol, Bad Writing, Blatantly Ignoring Canon, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crack, Deuce Minaj: Disciple of G-Tuna, Foul Language I Suppose, Gen, I hope I didn't forget any tags, Kazusa drugging people as always, Lots of alcohol, Not So Subtle Thingssssss, Not Sure If Alcoholism, Recreational Drug Use, Short Chapters, Smoke Greens Everyday, but oh well, like A LOT of crack, like completely, some blood, this is garbage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-08
Updated: 2016-07-28
Packaged: 2018-06-07 06:31:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 4,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6790699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/comeonlight/pseuds/comeonlight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's crack. That's all there is to it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Act 1: Bidness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aria is selling greens to raise funds for...herself. And her business partner.

“Greens! Get yer greens!” Aria called from the fountain. She wasn’t sure how Carla had gotten permission for them to set up a stand for their “fundraiser” at what was probably the most visited spot in Akademeia, and she wasn’t about to ask. The important things right now were the facts: she was running the stand, there were plenty of potential customers walking around, and how much gil she got directly depended on how much she sold. “Greens! Get yer motherfrickin’ greens!”

“Greens?” A cadet from Class Second stopped in front of Aria. “I came to look at the Vermilion Bird and immerse myself in culture like a responsible student.” She looked up at the stone sculpture, then to the items Aria had on display. “But damn, I love me some greens! Whatchu got, girl?” Aria smirked. “Oh, we got that real good shit. Farm fresh, locally grown. Plenty of variety too. Here’s the stuff you actually feed your chocobos.” She gestured toward a large bundle of greens. “Then we have what you’re really lookin’ for.” She pointed to different bundles. “Between Truth and Lies – not to be confused with the sandwich, though if you put ‘em together it’s frickin’ amazing. Meme It Green It, real popular around here. Crazy Chocobo, probably the best deal we got, aaaand if you’re just plain frickin’ nuts, we have…Ultima.”

The cadet looked over the display. “Hm…How much for a bundle of Meme It Green It?” “Eight thousand gil,” Aria replied without missing a beat. “Oh. Uh…” The cadet scratched her head. “That’s a little over my budget…I don’t suppose you haggle, do you?” “Take it or leave it, lady,” Aria said. “Hm…Next time then,” the cadet sighed before leaving. “Every frickin’ fricker around here is so cheap,” Aria muttered to herself. “These’re the lowest prices Akademeia’s seen since last month!”

“Excuse me.” Aki smiled at Aria, who nodded. “You finna buy some high quality greens?” “Of course,” Aki said. “The…young chocobo that I’m tending to at the ranch is very, _very_ hungry.” “Is it now?” Aria asked, her interest piqued now that Aki had taken out her wallet. “Just how hungry?” “ _Starving,_ ” Aki said. “And I want to make sure that never happens again.” Aria began to gather bundles of greens for her customer. “Yeah. It’d be a real frickin’ shame if that poor thing were to go hungry.”

* * *

 “And just like that, I’m outta stock and hundreds of thousands of gil richer,” Aria reported. “How’s business here?” Carla looked around the Ready Room. “You know how it is. They’re not keen on…fundraising…inside the building, so we have to keep it discreet. They come to me, though. Pay up front while Mr. Chef over there isn’t looking, then pick up some ‘study material’ later at my room. It works for me!” “Yeah, okay, whatever, how much you make?” Aria asked. “About twenty thousand,” Carla said. “And like we agreed, we’ll split our combined profits fifty-fifty.”

“While I don’t believe you only made that much for one frickin’ second,” Aria said. “Gil is gil. Catch ya later?” “Oh!” Carla paused her third count of her revenue. “Can you go check and make sure Izana hasn’t passed out in the field again?” Aria folded her arms. “Wait…he realizes he doesn’t get paid for this, right?” “I told him we’re donating a portion of the revenue to fight chocobo abuse,” Carla said nonchalantly. Aria gave a blank stare. “Nobody abuses chocobos…unless ya count letting ‘em run away into monster territory a few minutes after summoning them to be abuse…But that’s nature.” “It is,” Carla said. “Now, go make sure nature doesn’t kill our supplier with death beams from the sun.”

So, Aria fulfilled one of her many duties as a vendor of greens.

 


	2. Act 1.5: Beloved Mother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nine and Sice have had yet another argument and Arecia must be the one to settle it.

“So,” the Provost said to Arecia as they left a short Consortium meeting. “If you don’t mind me asking, what exactly do you smoke? I mean, it gives off no odor. Is it-” “Phantoma,” Arecia said before blowing a cloud of smoke into the air. The Provost blinked in bewilderment. “Excuse me, what?” “What?” “Yes, what was it you just said?” “Nothing, Zaidou.” Arecia continued walking to the Great Portal and teleported to the Sorcery Division so that she could continue her work.

Or, rather, she would have continued her work had it not been for two of her children. Nine and Sice, both bruised in several places, were waiting outside her office. “Mother!” they said in unison when Arecia appeared. “…Yes, my children?” Really, their scuffles were getting old. Why couldn’t someone like Kurasame or Seven handle this? “Nine said he loves you more than I do!” Sice exclaimed. “Can you make him stop telling lies?” “But I do love Mother more than you!” Nine scoffed. “You just don’t wanna admit it.” Sice conjured her scythe. “You wanna go for round two? Nobody loves Mother more than I do.” Nine cracked his knuckles. “Tch, bring it on you little-”

“Nine, Sice.” The rivals snapped to attention. “Is that any way to act in front of your Mother?” Arecia asked. “You know better. Now, why don’t you two make up?” Sice and Nine murmured apologies to each other. “...But Mother!” Sice said. “Uh…Can you settle this, though? So we don’t fight about this again. S-Sorry.” “Which child loves me most, hm?” Arecia gave a smile. “Well…it has to be, without a doubt…” The teenagers stared intently at her. “Queen.” Promptly, Arecia retreated to her office.


	3. Act 2: Karaoke...?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cater and Cinque are all about the karaoke, but what fun is it without some friends and snacks?

“Pink wig, thick ass, give ‘em whiplash. I think big, get cash, make ‘em blink fa-OH SHIT.” Deuce stared wide-eyed at Cater, who was standing in the doorway giving her a similar expression. “…I mean, oh my. Um, Cater, hello! How long have you been there?” “…Long enough,” Cater said, slowly closing the door behind her. “So uh…I guess that answers the question of what you do when you’re alone in your room.” She scratched her head. “Who woulda thought you’d be into rap?”

“Alright,” Deuce sighed. Her polite mannerisms vanished for a moment. “You don’t say a word, and I don’t have to put on a special concert right here and now.” She conjured her flute and twirled it menacingly, a feat Cater didn’t know was possible until then. “Uh…sure Deuce, you got it.” Deuce’s flute vanished and she smiled. “Thank you, Cater. So, can I help you with anything?” Cater paused to allow her fear to settle down before she answered. “Oh yeah. Me and Cinque were actually trying to find people to do some karaoke with us. Go figure. So, what do you say?”

Deuce squinted. “Karaoke?” She entertained the thought for a moment, then asked, “Will there be snacks?” “Snacks?” Cater smirked. “Oh yeah, there’ll be snacks. Greens aren’t for just chocobos, you know. They’re quite nutritious for humans as well.” “Well,” Deuce said. “It would be a shame for me to miss out on such an opportunity. Mother wants us to be healthy, after all. And I simply love greens.” She returned Cater’s smirk, although it appeared much more innocent on her face. “Shall we go then?” Laughing, Cater left the room with Deuce right behind her.

“Rem, Aki, Ryid, and Jack said they’d come,” Cater explained while walking toward Cinque’s room. “Not sure who Cinque was able to gather. Guess we’ll see who comes in.” “This is going to be so much fun,” Deuce chuckled, her smile growing bigger as they approached Cinque’s door. At the first knock, Queen opened the door. “Didn’t expect you to show up,” Cater said. “How’s it going, Queen?” Queen adjusted her glasses. “I for one find social events such as these very intriguing. I am here to observe. And perhaps I will even participate.” “Oh, please do!” Deuce said as she walked into the room behind Cater. “Truly, it’s wonderful to see you here, punctual as always-” “Great bloody Mwynn on a slice of toast, it’s Lady Caetuna.”

On the extremely out of place sofa in Cinque’s room that was undoubtedly there against Akademeia’s policies sat the l’Cie Caetuna, sipping directly from a bottle of wine. She swallowed and turned her head to acknowledge a startled Cater. Her voice was monotonous: “Impaired purposeless singing with fools is my passion.” “Oh,” Cater said. “I uh…Okay.” An awkward silence ensued but was soon interrupted by Cinque’s arrival.

“Cinquey’s home!” Cinque called cheerfully, tossing Trey onto the sofa. “That was quite painful,” he groaned, slowly sitting up. “I would prefer to be somewhere else. Like my own living space, or the Crystarium.” “Silly Trey,” Cinque laughed. “You act like you have a choice. Oh! Deuski, Cater Tater, you’re here!” “Did she just call me a tater?” Cater thought out loud. “Well, she probably is the one eating all the potatoes before I can get to them…” “Hey guys!” Aki made her entrance alongside Naghi. They received friendly greetings, and chatter soon began.

Aki spoke with Cater and Queen about the health benefits of greens while Naghi told jokes to Deuce and Cinque. Trey inquired exactly what kind of wine Caetuna was drinking, as the label had all but eroded, but his efforts were useless. Rem and Ryid arrived after a few more minutes, followed by the last guest, Jack. “Alrighty,” Cinque said, locking her door. She took a look at her guests, all seated on the sofa, her bed, and in Ryid’s case, the floor. “As is tradition when we have super-duper karaoke time, we will begin by giving everybody nice, healthy greens! Whatcha got today, Aki?”

Aki smiled. “I brought you all some Meme It Green It. I don’t think anyone should have any complaints.” Noises of agreement and some light applause came from her friends. Without further postponement, whole leaves of greens were passed around. “I didn’t have time to roll them,” Aki explained. She removed some paper from her pocket. “But I brought rolling paper, so have fun.” “Thanks, fam,” Cater said as the paper began circulating as well. “Drugs,” Trey muttered. “How felonious.”

“Actually, Trey,” Queen said. “The recreational use of greens is completely legal in the Dominion.” “But it’s completely optional,” Aki added. “Don’t feel pressured. Oh, Lady Caetuna.” She handed Caetuna a particularly large and bright leaf with purple and red veins. “Ultima.” “I extend my thanks to thee and thy supplier.” Caetuna received rolling paper from Ryid and used it to roll the leaf expertly in the blink of an eye. She lit the tip with magic and inhaled, staring into space.

“You know, I never took the oldest l’Cie in Orience to be one to smoke greens,” Jack said. “Let alone _Ultima._ I heard it takes people’s minds to a different dimension.” “She deserves it then,” Cater said. “She’s probably really stressed out.” “Oh!” Naghi suddenly called. “Not related to karaoke, but there’s a new book out I think you’d be interested in.” “What’s that?” Rem asked. Naghi smiled and revealed a novel to his company. “ _Tokimeki: Crisis._ They haven’t mass produced copies yet but there are a few and I was…resourceful enough…to get my hands on this.” “We must read it now,” Queen remarked. “Right now, immediately. Are there any objections?” A collective “Nope,” reached her ears, and she nearly snatched the book from Naghi’s hands. “I am thankful that you all have such good taste. Now, let us begin. ‘Like a winged Coeurl, his heart leapt into the sky. _Senpai…do you love me?’"_


	4. Act 2.5: Quality Literature

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The title of this fic is "Why." But this mini-chapter is more "Why Not?"

“So, some cadets came to me and freaked out about this brand new release of a romance novel or something. _Tokimeki: Crisis._ They were really emotional about it for some reason. I remember reading the prequel and I enjoyed it, I guess. But then I discovered Concordian fiction. It’s _so_ much better.” Kasumi took another sip of her tea and Celestia smiled. “Not to boast, but this nation does have more than its share of excellent writers. Especially in your particular area of interest.” “So I’ve noticed,” Kasumi responded. “I wish I could come to these meetings more often. Your home is so comfortable and your book club is top-notch.”

“I appreciate the compliment,” Celestia said graciously. “Regardless of whether you can attend next month’s meeting, I’d like you to read this.” She slid a book across the table. _“The Queen’s Warden,”_ Kasumi read. “By S.R. Yu…I’ve heard of this. Yeah, I heard the reviews call it the best romance since _Goodbye, Captain.”_ “Indeed,” Celestia said. “I personally look forward to seeing what Sor-I mean, what this book contains.” “Same,” Kasumi murmured, examining the detail of the art on the cover. “…Oh, by the way, how’s Tonogiri?”

At the mere mention of her son, Celestia’s face was overtaken by a prideful smile. “He is doing very well. Truly an honorable young man. I am proud to call myself his mother.” “That’s so good to hear,” Kasumi said, her own smile taking over. “I have to get back to Rubrum, but it was great to see you. Hopefully I’ll be able to stop by next month. I really look forward to discussing this story.” “Believe me, you are not the only one,” Celestia said with a light laugh. “Do have a safe trip. I hope to see you soon, Kasumi.” Kasumi took a few more sips of tea, finishing the cup. “Likewise. Thank you.” She lived in Rubrum, sure, but sometimes…Concordia really felt like home.


	5. Act 3: The Mountains of Milites

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new law has forced some to meet in secret...

“This is bullshit,” Ines muttered. She poked the fire illuminating the cave with a stick. “Yeah,” Charon said. “But we can’t do much about it. At least we have our little club or whatever you wanna call this.” “Calling it insufficient would be an understatement,” Faith said, his discontentment with the current situation only slightly visible on his face. “But, it is all we have. Now, before we run out of time, who has-” He was interrupted by the sudden appearance of not one, but both of the White Tiger Crystal’s chosen l’Cie.

“You guys are seriously memeing in a cave,” Qun’mi observed. “Look,” Charon said. “Marshal Cid banned memes, so what else do-” “Qun’miiiii~” Ines hugged her ~~girlfriend~~ superior, giggling like a child. “Anyway,” Charon continued. “If we can’t have memes in town, we’ll just take ‘em to the mountains.” “Such pitiful desperation,” Nimbus said. He took a seat on the ground beside Faith. “Your memes lack adequate dankness. Truly inferior.” “Oh please, Nimbutt,” Qun’mi said. “You’re still writing ‘epic fail’ on anything and everything you deem ‘unworthy.’” “Y u no appreciate my writing?” Nimbus asked. “No me gusta.”

“I can’t believe I had to be subjected to this,” Faith said. “Don’t worry, we’ll rescue you!” a voice called. Faith looked at the entrance of the cave and spotted several of his men. “Don’t tell me…you’re meme trash.” The men froze. “Uh. Well uh…er…yeah.” Faith sighed. “Well, gather round I guess.” Qun’mi shook her head as she gazed upon the memers who had gone all the way up into the mountains to be meme trash. “Ha, you know…Cid actually loves memes.”

“Bastard,” Charon muttered. “Then why did he ban them?” Faith asked. Qun’mi shrugged. “Some deep meaning that we’re sure to uncover if we dig deep into the lore. I don’t care that much though.” “But I care about you!” Ines declared, still shamelessly fawning over the smol. “I’ll cover you in my love and you can wear it like a coat of oil!” “…Please don’t oil me, Ines.” Ines pouted. “…But what if it’s coconut oil?” “Damn I love me some coconut oil. Ines, oil me.” “Oil!” Ines cheered.

“What the hell am I watching?” Nimbus asked. “They are a strange pair indeed,” Faith said quietly. “Sir,” one of his men said. “…Do you wish to be oiled as well?” Faith blinked. “Um…thank you for the offer. But I can oil myself.”


	6. Act 4: Her Journey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deuce doesn't let her dreams be dreams.

“Hey, really, thanks for confiding in me.” Cater gave Deuce a smile. “If that’s what you really want to do…then I won’t stop you.” “Thank you for understanding,” Deuce said. She stood from her bed. “I’m going to begin a new path. I will embark on a journey of growth and training under the greatest master that there is. This is what is right for me. This is what I was destined to do.” “You know,” Cater said. “I think so too. You didn’t choose the thug life. The thug life chose you, and you finally decided to embrace it. I’m proud of you.” Deuce blinked away tears. “Thank you. I will go now…to follow my dreams.”

* * *

 “You’re really gonna train that kid?” Emina asked. “I’ve naught better to do,” Caetuna responded before taking a gulp of wine straight from the bottle. “Uh…” Zhuyu began. “Disregarding the ridiculous training thing…can you two please put some clothes on?” “Hm?” Caetuna extended a fishnet-clad leg. “These are clothes, no?” “I meant to cover…you know…” Zhuyu pinched the bridge of his nose. “I wish to be able to walk to the southern chambers without passing you two and being made unwillingly aware of the painfully obvious fact that you just…ugh.”

“I understand.” Caetuna said. “Zhuyu, what you are relaying is that…you have failed to get laid.” “What?” Zhuyu slapped his forehead. “That’s not it at all.” “Yeah,” Emina added. “He’s totally hatefucking old Nimbutt.” “…Your human is a pest,” Zhuyu said to Caetuna. He looked at the bottle of wine in her hand. “How many of those have you had today?” “Twenty-three,” Caetuna said calmly. “It takes quite an amount to have an effect. Being a l’Cie-” “Yes, I know. Just…”

“Excuse me.” In the darkness of the catacombs, Deuce trembled. “Ah, she came after all,” Emina commented. “L-Lady Caetuna,” Deuce said, cautiously approaching. “I’ve decided to devote my life the art of sick rhymes. So please, teach me to spit fire.” Caetuna gave a faint, emotionless smile. “Very well. Thou hast proven thyself worthy. I shall teach you my ways: dank memes, dank greens, hella gil and bitches, bars that go so hard that your audience needs stiches. I dub thee my disciple, my heir to the throne of rap.”

 


	7. Act 5: Gain and Loss, but Mostly Loss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mog is...away...and Class Zero has a substitute teacher(?).

"Attention!" The members of Class Zero looked up from their books and conversations,  now focusing on the woman standing at Kurasame's desk. "...Who the hell are you?" Nine asked. "My name is Stella Nox Fleuret," the woman announced. "Your commanding officer is absent today. In reality he has been drugged by that creepy scientist and is having some scar on his butt cheek examined, but I've been paid not to alert officials. I doubt they'd care one way or the other anyhow. Now,"  
  
"Excuse me," Queen said. "Where...is our class moogle?" Taking a sheet of paper from the desk, Stella said, "Your moogle is currently on the run. Wanted for larceny, theft, capital murder, possession and distribution of illegal substances, fraud, sabotage of military operations, espionage, and wearing crocs."  
  
The room fell silent for a moment. Upset, Deuce stood and cleared her throat. "Pardon me, but what the hell is this shit? We know for a fact that Mog was never this lit. Ze smiles and loves us. Ze's got Cinque-level innocence, but with a much higher capacity for intelligence- um, no offense, Cinque."  
  
Stella stared for a moment. "Did you just...spit rhymes?...Nice. Alright, open your books."

* * *

"Did you bring the memes?" "I've brought them, kupo." In the shadows of an empty cave in the snowy mountains of Milites, Mog handed important documents to hir business partner. "You wouldn't believe all the crimes they've charged me with. I didn't do any of it, kupo. It's all Dr. Arecia."  
  
"Arecia, huh? Yeah, you've mentioned her before. Not human. What is she then?" "I'm not sure," Mog said. "But she doesn't care about what trouble I get into, as long as I bring her what she wants." "This here phantoma, right?" An arm extended, passing the energy on to Mog. "The phantoma from cowards who have never set foot on the battlefield yet hog all the higher ranks."  
  
"...You should be dead," Mog said quietly. "And I shouldn't be here doing her dirty work, kupo! But the doctor's power...I can't defy her for some reason. She is a god, methinks." "Gods, magic, science. Whatever, I just want memes. Same time same place next week?"  
  
"Yes," Mog said. "I'll see you then, Morse." "Edward!" Morse yelled suddenly. "Call me Edward. Or Ed is fine." Mog nodded slowly. "Kupo..." The two went their separate ways, disappearing into the snow.


	8. Act 5.8: What's With These Weird Ass Numbers? Also, People Die For Stupid Reasons.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arecia really likes smoking, Caetuna really really likes wine, Morse really really really likes memes, Ines really really really REALLY likes Qun'mi, and Faith really really really REALLY REALLY can't deal with this shit right now.

“Smoke greens everyday, smoke greens everyday...that was a hit.” Arecia blew out a cloud of smoke, not coughing once. “What do you mean ‘was?’” Caetuna asked. “Well, perhaps for you. It seems you've moved on to bigger and better things.” She opened a bottle of wine. “Smoking souls...you disgust me.”

“I know,” Arecia hummed. “But I've got the good shit.” “That you do,” Caetuna sighed before chugging the bottle. “Smoke Phantoma everyday, smoke Phantoma everyday,” Arecia murmured to herself. “...You know, Milites might fall into civil war because of the meme ban.” Caetuna finished the bottle. “How pitiable. I'm off to train my disciple.” “You mean my child?” Arecia asked. Caetuna stood and grabbed another bottle of wine. “She appears to like me a lot better than you.” With that remark, she took her leave.

* * *

 “Knock knock, it's Memes!” Morse swept through Ingram like a storm, injuring and killing military officers just to draw Pepes on walls with their blood. “Where are ya, Marshal? Buzzkill, depriving these poor citizens of their memes! The resistance doesn't fuck around!”

Ines watched from inside a building as troopers unsuccessfully try to subdue Morse. “That psycho’s still around?” “Apparently,” Faith said. “And of course he's making a mess. He's not even a member of the resistance. It bothers me that Militesi forces are sustaining casualties because of this, but I'd best not get involved now. Maybe I'll try speaking to Qator when my shift ends, then he can take it to the Marshal.”

“You're thinking a lot about this,” Ines commented. An alarm sounded. “Hm, guess this place is going into lockdown. Funny seeing how this facility probably has the best equipment for neutralizing this guy.” “You sure are nonchalant about this situation,” Faith said. Ines shrugged lightly. “I like to think of myself as a chaotic neutral.” “You're a chaotic something alright,” Faith said under his breath.

Ines watched Morse destroy mechs while singing decades-old songs. “So, how long do you think this will- Qun'mi!” Faith glanced at the scene. “They really sent a l’Cie to take care of this guy. Our armed forces obviously have some work to do.” “Kick his ass!” Ines cheered. Faith shook his head. “She can't hear you-” “Lady Qun'mi, she's the best! She wins first place and fuck the rest!”

Ignoring Ines’ loud support for Qun'mi, Faith asked, “What's with that weird battle stance? Are they...what?” “It's a dance battle, Ice Cream!” Ines cheerfully explained. Faith gave her a blank stare. “What kind of nickname is that? Are you insulting me?” Ines chose not to answer him, instead shouting, “Yeah, Qun'mi! Get down with your bad self!”

Faith took a seat. “I know this is supposed to be a crack fic but this is getting to be a bit much for me. I can't deal with Ines right now. Can you switch to some other scene? I need a break.”

Done and done, Faith. I got you, fam. Speaking of fam, how about checking on Andoria Kaya Tranka Fam Forturio? I'm sure something gay is going on. I'd know. I'm the author of this shit.


	9. Act 5.93: It's Always Gay in Concordia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Queen Andoria has just finished S.R. Yu's latest novel, in which no lesbians died.

“Holy fuck, my feelings,” Andoria said, closing the novel she’d just finished. “I was not...expecting that.” “Are you alright, Milady?” Celestia asked. Andoria took a moment to respond. “...I could use a handkerchief and some water.” Celestia directed her gaze to the nearest handmaiden. “See that the Queen’s request is granted posthaste.” The handmaiden nodded and left to retrieve the items. “You know,” Celestia said, kneeling before Andoria and taking her hand to comfort her. “I cried when the baby was born as well.” “It was such an emotional scene.” “Yes, it was.”

“Handkerchief and water.” The handmaiden had returned from her errand. She handed the water to Andoria and the handkerchief to Celestia, then bowed and returned to her other duties. “We should try the events of page six hundred seventy-four,” Celestia said as she dried the tears on Andoria’s face. “Riding off into the sunset on a giant dragon?” The Queen chuckled. “Well, we do have the means.” A hint of mischief came to her smile. “There’s also the entirety of chapter thirty-nine.” “Ooh, risqué, Maîtresse.” “Are you flirting with the Queen?” a different handmaiden asked. “Oh! Excuse me, so sorry to interrupt.” “Why, yes.” Celestia answered. “You must be new. Pay it no mind, dear.” She smiled, dismissing the handmaiden.

Soryu made a low noise. Andoria frowned, then smiled again. “Hiatus. It can’t be helped.” “Fortunately, there are many other talented authors to sustain us,” Celestia said. “As a matter of fact, I am in the process of helping one to publish her debut novel.” “Is that so?” Andoria sipped her water. “Yes. She’s immigrating from Rubrum,” Celestia informed her liege. “Well,” Andoria said. “The more the merrier.”


	10. Act 6: An Unnecessary Timeskip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nine wakes up after getting his butt kicked.

“Huh...Where the hell am I?” Nine stared up at the ceiling, immobile. He’d been here before, but he couldn’t recall what this place was. He tried to put the pieces together in his mind: he couldn’t move, he couldn’t remember anything, yet the room he was in felt familiar. “Oh, I see you’re awake. Sort of.” Kazusa’s voice was what made things click. “Oi, it’s you...freak…” Nine slurred. “What’d you to me?”

“You don’t remember, do you?” Kazusa asked. He sighed after Nine failed to respond. “...You had a dance battle with Miss Fleuret. Needless to say, you lost. Horribly. It was a slaughter. You never stood a chance.” “Bull,” Nine grumbled. “Say I did get my ass kicked. Why the hell am I here and not the informatory?” “You…” Kazusa paused. “I believe you meant to say ‘infirmary.’ Well, simply put, I’ve been working on treatments for these kinds of injuries that they simply don’t have up there. You were all but dead after that defeat.”

“Whatever,” Nine said. “Shoulda just taken me to Mother...I don’t wanna know what kinda wacked up drugs you gave me.” “Don’t worry,” Kasuza said. “You should be back on your feet in a few hours. You were out for quite some time. For a while I wasn’t sure if you’d make it.” Nine closed his eyes again. “Drama queen. How long was I even out?” “A couple of weeks,” Kazusa answered without missing a beat. “In that time, quite a bit happened too. Memes are legal in Milites again. Turns out Cid was meme trash the whole time. We’re currently negotiating with the Empire toward a new treaty...through memes. We’re on good terms with Concordia. I heard a lot of lesbians from Rubrum are moving there, actually. The only bad news is that Rubrum’s most wanted criminal is still at large.”

“What, the moogle? You’re joking,” Nine said. “It’s all true,” Kazusa sighed. “I believe that only Class Zero is capable of taking down that monster. Protect the dominion’s people, Nine. Go forth and-” “Yo. I still can’t move.” “Right,” Kazusa said before clearing his throat. “Um. So, good luck. Whenever you can move. It shouldn’t be long.” “...You seriously need to be fired, man.”


	11. Act 6.2: The End of These Stupid Numbers and This Awful Fic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Class Zero confronts their moogle.

“I'm telling you, it wasn't me, kupo!” Mog pleaded to no avail. Trey approached, taking careful aim with his bow. “Whether or not we believe you, Mog, orders are orders.” He shot an arrow, which Mog narrowly escaped. “You're all crazy!” ze exclaimed. “The Doctor gave me orders to bring her phantoma. I haven't done anything but that, kupo!” Queen exchanged a glance with Trey. “...What kind of phantoma?”

“Black phantoma, kupo.” “Black phantoma,” Queen repeated. “I've never heard of such a variety.” “Neither had I until she gave me this task,” Mog said. “Too bad we're all about to forget,” Sice added to the conversation as she stepped forward. “Even if Mother did give you a task, you're not important anymore. She'd have told us if she didn't want us to kill you-” The COMM rang at that moment, and Queen answered.

“Mother? Yes...yes, I understand. Of course. We will return immediately.” “What now?” Sice asked. Queen gave a brief smile. “Mog has been cleared of all charges. We are all to return to Akademeia at once.” “Seriously?” Nine growled. “You tellin’ me we came all the way out here and we don't get a fight?” “Considering your last battle, that's good news for you,” Jack said.

Cinque giggled at the memory. “Yeah, Nine. Miss Stella destroyed you. I wish you could've seen her dance with Seven and Eight. That was suuuper intense.” Nine muttered something incomprehensible before going silent. “Alright,” Deuce said. “If that's all, let's head back. We can all smoke some greens and listen to my mixtape.”

“Oh, I can't wait to hear it!” Rem said, smiling excitedly. “Let's hurry now.” Class Zero and their trusty moogle began their journey back to Akademeia, to peace and joy. Though everything was seemingly resolved, something still gnawed at Nine. He nudged Machina. “Yo. Is this really it?” Machina shrugged. “Do you have any better ideas for ending this travesty of a fanfic?” “Damn.” It didn't sit well with Nine, but he couldn't do anything about it. So, he decided to just look forward to smoking greens and getting blown away by Deuce’s mixtape.


End file.
